Hi and welcome to my blog! My name is Ariel and I have been on a weight loss quest for oh….maybe my whole life. lol. That seems kind of depressing. But I know many of you out there can relate to that feeling.
I haven’t been overweight my whole life but I thought I was. I was convinced I was to the point that I never looked in mirrors and always wore baggy clothes. I compared myself to thinner friends and was always on some diet. I started gaining actual weight in my senior year of high school and really gained weight in college. Since then it has been a battle of yo-yo dieting and constant self hatred. In college I flirted with bulimia but I have always had to deal with disordered eating. I do not have a good relationship with food!!!
So why do I think this time will be different. For one I am finally dealing with why I use food as my number one coping mechanism for my emotions. All that childhood emotional baggage is going to be dealt with. That inner fat bitch that just wants to tell me I am not worthy of love and deserving of a healthy body will be talked back to. She is not getting any more Carl’s Jr Bacon Western Cheeseburgers and onion rings. But you know if I want one it will be on my say so not hers after some kind of emotional meltdown.
I am going to get really real here and very honest. We’re going to talk about all the nitty gritty about my weight loss including numbers and my emotional trauma. It’s getting all laid bare. I have bipolar disorder and I am often depressed. You know that plays into my weight loss and I will share that with you. My husband is very supportive and I want to share his pearls of wisdom with you as well. Lastly my daughter keeps me going. She is my inspiration and I so want to be able to have the energy to keep up with her. Also I want to be healthy enough to have a little sister or brother for her. So stay tuned for updates on that as well. My next post will be more focused on my starting weight loss stats with pictures.
Hello! Just a quick weight update. So far on weight watchers I have lost about 10 lbs. I am so excited for that. I love eating on purple plan. I love the food freedom. Overall I am just making better choices. I don’t feel so compelled to overeat or eat junk food. I’m thinking that the topamax is helping to reduce the urges to binge eat which is good. Even though it makes me feel like a bimbo. I frequently forget what I want to say. Hopefully it gets better.
In order to facilitate my weight loss I am doing 2 things; I am finally dealing with my developmental trauma and I am letting go of the emotional weight that holds me back.
I grew up with parents that worked a lot. My dad was in the Navy and was gone out to see for 6 months at a time. He would come back a stranger each time. When he got out of the Navy he became a firefighter and was on a one day on one day off schedule. My mom often worked opposite him. So I saw one parent on one day and the other parent on the other day. I rarely saw them together. Before that my mom only got 6 weeks with me on maternity leave before going back to work. I basically grew up with an more babysitters than I can remember. I never had a secure attachment to my parents and that led to never having secure attachments as an adult.
I downplay this as an adult. That this isn’t real trauma. My parents are still together. I live with them currently. I had everything I needed. I didn’t want financially. But emotionally there is a hole. There is a severe disconnect between my reality and my emotions. I live my life thinking I’m a fraud. I live my life without trust. I use food as my ultimate coping mechanism to cover the hurt. I have come to realize that I have always used food to stuff down those feelings of emotional neglect and make myself feel better.
But I want to change. I want to live my life confidently. I want to address the hurts and feelings of neglect of that little girl inside of me. She needs to be heard. I need to make peace with that. Without doing that I don’t think I will ever move on from emotional eating. I don’t think I will permanently lose the weight. I don’t think I will be a good role model for Alice if I can’t address this.
I love my daughter, I really do. But at 11 months it is painfully obvious she does not appreciate the care I put into my cooking. Today I didn’t overcook the shrimp. Today I sautéed them in butter, lemon zest and fresh garlic.
The beans are a recipe of my Puerto Rican Grandma’s, straight from my childhood. I wanted to cook them so I didn’t forget the recipe. I wanted to cook them to pass down that little bit of food tradition since she’s not here anymore and she never got to meet my daughter. I have been irritable and on edge all day just ready to lash out at any provocation. I nearly did already when the cats and dog got under my feet.
But I had been holding back when it came to Alice. She was having a bad day too. She woke up cranky and was on and off crying all day. Maybe it was her diaper rash that was causing her so much discomfort. I’m not sure.
She was in a good mood when I set the plate with the cut up shrimp and ancient grains and beans in front of her. But quickly it just became a game to her. She upended the plate and began flicking the rice off her high chair.
I couldn’t get mad. I couldn’t get frustrated with her and I definitely couldn’t take my irritation out on her. So I just let her know that we don’t do that with our lunches and I took the plate away. I finished my lunch without losing my temper and I’m quite proud of that. All day I had been waiting to just lose it and it didn’t come. And you know what. It doesn’t have to. I choose how I react in a situation. I have that control. Amazing isn’t it.
The best thing is that she sees that I’m in control of my emotions and how I react. I’m modeling appropriate behavior for her. I never thought I would be a more mature parent than my own parents.
Yo, yo, yo…what’s up? I have been on WW for a week now and I started at 285 lbs and I weighed in today at 278.4 for a total of 6.6 lbs lost. I do admit that right now I weigh myself every day on my renpho scale. I think that’s ok to do. My husband keeps telling me just look at the weekly average and my coach tells me to look at the lowest number for the week but I’mma do what I want. As long as I don’t get too depressed looking at the number or if I see a gain and say fuck it and binge eat I’ll keep weighing myself every day and make sure I log the number for sure for my weekly weigh ins on monday.
I wanted to share with you my starting pictures and basic starting stats:
Starting Weight: 285 lbs
Height: 5 ft 5inches
abdomen circumfernce: 55 inches
Bust: 51 inches
Hips: 58 inches
Clothing Size: 22 or 3X
I am not making a weight or clothing goal in x amount of days. I simply want to be below 200 lbs in time to safely get pregnant again. Even more than that I want to conquer the beast of emotional eating and live a fantastically joyous life with my husband and baby.