Hello! Just a quick weight update. So far on weight watchers I have lost about 10 lbs. I am so excited for that. I love eating on purple plan. I love the food freedom. Overall I am just making better choices. I don’t feel so compelled to overeat or eat junk food. I’m thinking that the topamax is helping to reduce the urges to binge eat which is good. Even though it makes me feel like a bimbo. I frequently forget what I want to say. Hopefully it gets better.
In order to facilitate my weight loss I am doing 2 things; I am finally dealing with my developmental trauma and I am letting go of the emotional weight that holds me back.
I grew up with parents that worked a lot. My dad was in the Navy and was gone out to see for 6 months at a time. He would come back a stranger each time. When he got out of the Navy he became a firefighter and was on a one day on one day off schedule. My mom often worked opposite him. So I saw one parent on one day and the other parent on the other day. I rarely saw them together. Before that my mom only got 6 weeks with me on maternity leave before going back to work. I basically grew up with an more babysitters than I can remember. I never had a secure attachment to my parents and that led to never having secure attachments as an adult.
I downplay this as an adult. That this isn’t real trauma. My parents are still together. I live with them currently. I had everything I needed. I didn’t want financially. But emotionally there is a hole. There is a severe disconnect between my reality and my emotions. I live my life thinking I’m a fraud. I live my life without trust. I use food as my ultimate coping mechanism to cover the hurt. I have come to realize that I have always used food to stuff down those feelings of emotional neglect and make myself feel better.
But I want to change. I want to live my life confidently. I want to address the hurts and feelings of neglect of that little girl inside of me. She needs to be heard. I need to make peace with that. Without doing that I don’t think I will ever move on from emotional eating. I don’t think I will permanently lose the weight. I don’t think I will be a good role model for Alice if I can’t address this.