Still Chugging Along…

So February was a difficult month for me. I didn’t really lose any weight and struggled a lot with binge eating. I was feeling some pretty intense emotions and fell back on all my addictions. I rationalized eating more and definitely eating more carbs because I was in pain and I didn’t know how else to treat it.

Hanging out at Volcan Winery

In March I decided I needed to make a change. First I went back to The Keto Road Coaching and I am working with Gormy on getting my macros set so I don’t constantly go from restricting to much to binging when I feel like it’s impossible to follow longterm. I told him I needed macros that were sustainable, that would work with my lifestyle and that would help me lose weight. So he’s on top of that and is helping me stay accountable.

My current weight. 64 pounds down from my highest weight

Secondly I found a new therapist I could trust. She recommended I read the book The Food and Feelings Workbook. It has been such a good decision. I didn’t realize I was carrying around so much guilt and shame that was unnecessary. All it was doing was leading me to eat. I am finally breaking the connection between experiencing negative emotions and binge eating. I love this book and suggest you read it as well if you suffer from disordered eating.

Lastly I realized for certain that I have premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder as well as Bipolar Disorder. My bipolar has been well controlled on meds and lifestyle changes but the PMDD was not. So I am receiving treatment for that and I have high hopes that it will help the mood instability I feel in my luteal phase.

So proud I can jog a mile!

Exercise wise I am just about ready to ramp things up. Today I challenged myself to jog a mile without stopping. At this point jogging and running practically mean the same thing. I only go at one speed when I’m not walking.

But I did it. I ran for a mile straight. 14 min is my best time in 5 years. My goal is to train in 1/2 mile intervals twice a day and get my mile time down to 12 min. That’s what I was capable of 5 years ago.

Noticing subtle changes!!

I notoriously have a hard time being consistent with a weight lifting routine. So we are starting again today when my husband gets home from work. I’ll go easy on legs since I already ran today but I will do a full body routine. I really want to see how my body changes with consistent lifting.

Only 85 more pounds to lose before we start trying for baby #2. Can’t wait!!.

Happy in love!!

Weight Update and Doing the Emotional Work

Hello! Just a quick weight update. So far on weight watchers I have lost about 10 lbs. I am so excited for that. I love eating on purple plan. I love the food freedom. Overall I am just making better choices. I don’t feel so compelled to overeat or eat junk food. I’m thinking that the topamax is helping to reduce the urges to binge eat which is good. Even though it makes me feel like a bimbo. I frequently forget what I want to say. Hopefully it gets better.

In order to facilitate my weight loss I am doing 2 things; I am finally dealing with my developmental trauma and I am letting go of the emotional weight that holds me back.

I grew up with parents that worked a lot. My dad was in the Navy and was gone out to see for 6 months at a time. He would come back a stranger each time. When he got out of the Navy he became a firefighter and was on a one day on one day off schedule. My mom often worked opposite him. So I saw one parent on one day and the other parent on the other day. I rarely saw them together. Before that my mom only got 6 weeks with me on maternity leave before going back to work. I basically grew up with an more babysitters than I can remember. I never had a secure attachment to my parents and that led to never having secure attachments as an adult.

I downplay this as an adult. That this isn’t real trauma. My parents are still together. I live with them currently. I had everything I needed. I didn’t want financially. But emotionally there is a hole. There is a severe disconnect between my reality and my emotions. I live my life thinking I’m a fraud. I live my life without trust. I use food as my ultimate coping mechanism to cover the hurt. I have come to realize that I have always used food to stuff down those feelings of emotional neglect and make myself feel better.

But I want to change. I want to live my life confidently. I want to address the hurts and feelings of neglect of that little girl inside of me. She needs to be heard. I need to make peace with that. Without doing that I don’t think I will ever move on from emotional eating. I don’t think I will permanently lose the weight. I don’t think I will be a good role model for Alice if I can’t address this.

First Week On WW…A Success!!

Yo, yo, yo…what’s up? I have been on WW for a week now and I started at 285 lbs and I weighed in today at 278.4 for a total of 6.6 lbs lost. I do admit that right now I weigh myself every day on my renpho scale. I think that’s ok to do. My husband keeps telling me just look at the weekly average and my coach tells me to look at the lowest number for the week but I’mma do what I want. As long as I don’t get too depressed looking at the number or if I see a gain and say fuck it and binge eat I’ll keep weighing myself every day and make sure I log the number for sure for my weekly weigh ins on monday.

I wanted to share with you my starting pictures and basic starting stats:

Starting Weight: 285 lbs

Height: 5 ft 5inches

abdomen circumfernce: 55 inches

Bust: 51 inches

Hips: 58 inches

Clothing Size: 22 or 3X

I am not making a weight or clothing goal in x amount of days. I simply want to be below 200 lbs in time to safely get pregnant again. Even more than that I want to conquer the beast of emotional eating and live a fantastically joyous life with my husband and baby.